Today marks the day where I finally cut ties with my Narcissistic Mother for good! 3 blissful years without that witch in my life! Honestly; I wish I had made the decision sooner.
Going back to the day itself, if you have read my blog post Uneducated…Me? you will know that this was well overdue.
My sister Kara had told me that my mother had told her that she didn’t want me to spend Christmas with them that year. She had told her that she couldn’t forgive me for what I had done and that as I was 26 years old, I needed to move on with my own life; I wasn’t aware that being 26 meant that I was no longer allowed to have a relationship with my family; but then this is my mother saying this, so I wasn’t surprised.
Kara told my mother she wasn’t getting involved; I had told Kara that if my mother doesn’t want me there on Christmas day then she needed to tell me herself. We decided I would play dumb and pretend Kara hadn’t told me. That said, my mother messages me saying “I can’t move on from all that shit ok”. I replied to her asking her to call me as she couldn’t just send me a message like that without an explanation. She kept avoiding the call and telling me she was busy and that I should speak with Kara. This had nothing to do with Kara and I wasn’t going to give my mother the easy way out; I was ready for this, I knew what was coming and I needed to get it all out.
After going back and forth with her telling me she couldn’t forgive me, I finally convinced her to call me. Now at this moment in time I was writing a book, solely focused on my relationship with my mother; therefore I needed to record this phone call as I knew it was going to play a big part in the ending of my book.
This phone call was about to be the best moment of my life. I was finally about to go no contact…
Mother: So, yeah that message, that’s just how I feel
Me: Right, well I still don’t understand what it is you can’t forgive?
Mother: Do I really need to remind you? Telling Nanny about the affair, messaging his wife.
Now, my step-father had begged me for days to message his friends wife when he found out my mother had been having an affair with him. In the end I gave in and told him if he thought it would help then I would do it; despite me thinking it was a bad idea
Me: Let’s just get two things straight. I rung my Nan to see if she was okay, she then starts having ago at me because you had told her a load of lies. So, naturally I am going to tell her the truth, to clear my name. I had NO intention of even telling her, as she didn’t need to know. Secondly, I only messaged the wife because Mike kept begging me to. In the end I got sick of him breaking down to me every day, so I agreed.
Mother: Well, Mike said he didn’t even know you had spoken to her.
Me: How do you think I got her number?
Mother: Kara gave it to you
Me: I swear on my life that Kara had nothing to do with it
Mother: Well someone’s lying
Me: What reason do I have to lie, ask Mike now.
My mother goes into the other room and tells my step-father that I had just told her he had given me the number to message his friend’s wife. He denied it and said he couldn’t remember. I couldn’t believe he was willing to let my 18 year old sister; his own daughter, take the blame for this. He told my mother I was lying and at that moment I knew I would never speak to that poor excuse of a man ever again.
Me: So, the two things you couldn’t forgive me for have been addressed. What else?
Mother: Don’t worry, Mike is getting kicked out tonight
Me: I don’t really care what happens between you two, that has nothing to do with me
Mother: Oh yeah, that’s you. Only care about yourself
Me: Well, I am the only person I can rely on. So, of course I am going to put myself first
Mother: Your attitude stinks, even Kara has less respect for me when you are here
Me: That’s something you need to take up with Kara if you think that. Again, that has nothing to do with me
Mother: It’s true, even Kevin has said so
Me: Kevin never said that
Mother: Oh, is that your plan? Get inside your brother’s head like you did with Kara
Me: I didn’t get into anyone’s head- Kara has her own mind and opinions
Mother: Well this thing you have with Kara is going to stop
Me: What a relationship with my sister?
Mother: You are not welcome in my house anymore. You only come here to see Jayden. It’s quite clear you don’t like me
Me: Obviously I only come to see Jayden; he is 6 years old. I want to have a relationship with my brother
Mother: Well, you can see him once a month, you’ve had your visit with him this month so you can see him just before Christmas
This was absolutely fine by me; I only put up with my mother for the sake of seeing Jayden, so this set up couldn’t be better for me
Mother: When Nanny died, you used that as your way to worm back in and I never wanted that
Me: I didn’t try and worm my way back in. I just wanted to see my brother
After my Nan died; Jayden was broken. With his parents arguing all the time because of the affair, me not being around and then my Nan dying, it was all too much for him. He used to be the happiest little boy, but when I looked at him after all of this, you could literally see the pain. It killed me to see him like that. He was having panic attacks and my Mother was blaming it on my Nan’s death; so this is why I put up with her and tried to be around for him as much as I could.
Mother: You know, I’ve done so much for you and this is how you treat me
Me: This is another thing I’m trying to get my head around. You keep going on about all that you have done for me. What is it exactly that you have done for me?
Mother: I CLOTHED YOU!! I FEED YOU!!!
I had remained calm the whole conversation, but now I was ready to explode. I couldn’t keep it all in anymore. I had been gathering my evidence for months and I was ready to be rid of this woman for good.
Me: BUT YOU DIDN’T SEND ME TO SCHOOL THOUGH DID YOU?!?
Mother: Why didn’t you go to school? Because you were always ill
Me: So, I wasn’t on the child protection register for neglect no?
Mother: You were never on a register
Me: Stop lying, I have a whole file of evidence sitting in my room from Social Services. It’s all there in black and white
Mother: Whatever, you need help. You have mental health problems making something like that up
Me: You are the one that needs help. You need to go and get your head checked
Mother: You really do have 100% of the crazy gene. You need help *laughing*
Me: So, you wasn’t taken to court and fined? I wasn’t almost taken into care? Lie all you want mother because at the end of the day, we both know the truth and I have a clear conscience
Mother: Yeah, so do I. You’re crazy
Me: You know what? You’re the only person in the world that thinks these things about me, and I don’t value your opinion. So, I don’t care what you think
Mother: Well, I know the real you!
Me: You know nothing about me. You seriously need help, this is not going to get any better. Mother you are not well in the head. Get out more, get some friends, it’s not healthy to live like this
My mother then starts screaming at me. She was hysterical. Telling me she has loads of friends. She starts reeling off a list of names of people that do not talk to her anymore. I ask her to tell me someone who is still her friend. She couldn’t so she just starts attacking me again.
Mother: Who do you think you’re talking to? You are never to step foot over my door step again do you hear? And don’t think you are ever seeing Jayden again. I wish I never had you, I should have got rid of you when I had the chance
Me: If it meant having you as my mother, than I wish you had too! You carry on using Jayden as your weapon. When he’s older he will hate you just as much as I do. You will drive him away too. Then who will you control?
Mother: I don’t control anyone
Me: You are controlling Jayden right now
Mother: Well, take me to court! Cause you’re not seeing him
My mother always knew how to push my buttons. I had remained so calm, but I never wanted to speak to this witch again. I needed her to know.
Me: You low life piece of scum. You are going to mess that little boy up so much
Mother: Yeah, cause I’m going to neglect him, I forgot, like I neglected you
Me: You really are a crazy bitch
Mother: How dare you call me a crazy bitch!! You better watch yourself, because things are going to start happening to you
*Phone cuts off*
I sat there for a minute digesting what had just happened. Just like that, a weight had been lifted. I felt free. For the first time in my life I didn’t feel empty or sad. I felt happiness, I felt relieved.
That’s when I knew, this time, this would be it.
Here is to the 3 years of growth I have allowed myself to experience. Now I can finally be me….