The Sacrifice of No Contact

Going no contact with my mother was by far the best decision I have ever made in life. Even though it wasn’t really my decision as my mother disowned me (her words not mine) it was my decision to stay no contact when she tried to worm her way back in my life.

One of the factors that made no contact hard for me, was my brother; Jayden. When I first tried to cut ties with my mother, Jayden was only 5 years old. There is 20 years between Jayden and I so we have a bond that isn’t like the bond I have with my other siblings. Loving a sibling feels different when you are old enough to be their parent.

Even on his first night home after being born, my mother went to bed to rest and I kept Jayden in the room with me so I could give him his night feeds. His first night in the real world and it was me comforting him to sleep. How could we not have such a tight bond?

We would go to baby play groups together, I’d take him to nursery and pick him up. Our neighbours even thought he was mine as we were always together.

My mother knew how much I loved Jayden, and she used this to her advantage. Jayden was her weapon, he was my weak spot. She knew the only way to get to me was to take Jayden out of the picture and she did; so many times.

My first real attempt at no contact came as a result of the affair, it torn me to pieces not being able to see Jayden. I cried myself to sleep most nights, I had never felt pain like this, I didn’t know how to deal with it. I was at rock bottom. I cried at work, on the bus, in the supermarket, in the shower. There were reminders of Jayden everywhere I looked; everything triggered a breakdown.

My biggest fear was that Jayden would think I left him because I didn’t love him. I begged my sister to tell him the truth. However he knew. He would secretly ask my sister if he could message me on her phone. He would send me heart emojis and voicenotes. My mother soon found out; you can’t expect a 5 year old to not say anything. She went ballistic and my sister got into a lot of trouble for it. I was devastated that I couldn’t even get an emoji from him anymore; but my sister sent me a video of Jayden saying “Mummy doesn’t like Ky Ky” so I knew that he understood that it wasn’t me that left him.

I was losing my mind. I went to see a solicitor to see if I had any rights to have access to Jayden. She pretty much said it would cost me thousands to take to court and fight a battle I wouldn’t win. I had no chance.

On Jayden’s 6th birthday I was so worried that he would think I didn’t care about him, so I decided to just turn up at the house. What’s the worse that can happen? I knocked on the door. My mother answered and she did not look impressed, Jayden came running around the corner, as soon as he saw me his face lit up and he shouted “KY KY”.

I just came to drop off Jayden’s present” I state. My mother looked at Jayden, who was now grinning from ear to ear and she reluctantly says “come in“. Jayden and I were both ecstatic. He was so excited; showing me everything he got for his birthday. He asked me if I would play Monopoly with him. I was letting him win; he’s always hated losing. Yet this time Jayden didn’t seem to want to win. He kept giving me his money when I was close to losing, when I asked him why he said “If it’s not game over then you won’t have to go home” I wanted to cry, it’s his 6th birthday he shouldn’t be worrying about these things.

When it was time for me to leave, Jayden was really upset, I gave him a big hug and told him if it is a while until we see each other again to remember how much I loved him. Although I was happy that I was able to spend his birthday with him, I still couldn’t help but to feel heavy hearted, because I didn’t know if there would be a time I could see him again. So I walked home in tears, hoping this would not be the end.

Another 4 weeks went by and I didn’t see Jayden, until my Grandmother died. Then everything was brushed under the carpet, never to be discussed again and carry on as “normal”. If you have read my blog Uneducated…Me? you will already know how I got through this time. I was putting on a front for the sake of seeing Jayden.

We carried on this pretence for 7 months, before my mother flipped again. She messaged me saying “I can’t do this anymore”. We got into a massive argument; which is a whole other blog post in itself. This was when I decided to go no contact for good. 21st November 2014.

It was a hard decision to make as I knew it meant giving up Jayden. However for my own sanity I had to. Surprisingly, I still saw Jayden a few times. My sister was allowed to bring him over to my house on a few occasions. However there were times where my mother would cancel arrangements. Everything was always done through my sister as I didn’t want to speak with my mother at all. I started to get a lot of “Jayden’s been rude so can’t see you today” excuses. So this is when I knew it was time to distance myself from these visits with Jayden too. It wasn’t fair on either of us. When we were together we would have the best time ever. He loved our adventures. It wasn’t fair for him to keep having me ripped out of his life. I would rather not be around to allow him to have this pain. I just hoped he would understand when he was older.

I miss him everyday, wondering what he’s doing, what he’s like now; but I still feel like this is the best decision in the long run. Giving him up was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. The pain I have will never go away from missing out on all these years with my brother, but it does get slightly easier knowing he’s one more year closer to making his own mind up.

Of course, my mother being my mother, wasn’t going to just accept this. Recently on Jayden’s 9th Birthday I got a call from my sister. I answered it and she said Jayden wanted to talk to me. My heart sunk. He came on the phone and I instantly got a lump in my throat. “Can I see you today?” he asked. I was so confused, I knew he wouldn’t ask that without it being agreed with my mother; he knew better than to ask to see me. “Of course” I said excited. He continued to say “Great, we’re going to get pancakes in about an hour, so what time should we meet you?” I started to feel uneasy about this so I asked “who’s coming?” As soon as I heard him say “mummy” I told him I would arrange it with our sister.

When my sister came back on the phone I was livid. “You can’t just put me in a situation like that” She cut me off and quickly said “Ok, cool I’ll speak to you in a bit” then hung up. I stopped what I was doing and sat there in disbelief. This woman still knew just how to get me and it worked. My sister messaged me to say sorry, she said that my mother had told her to ring me right away and not to warn me beforehand, she had then stood there the whole phone conversation.

I told my sister there was no way I would sit in the same room as this woman, but was happy to meet my brother and her after so I didn’t have to see my mother. We both knew this wasn’t going to go down well but it was worth a shot. We were right though. My mother went into a rage, saying that if I couldn’t sit down with her then I couldn’t see my brother. She then turned to Jayden and said “see, it’s not me stopping her from seeing you. She doesn’t want to, not even on your birthday” 

I was so annoyed that she tried to get to me again; ok, she had got to me. Not her personally, but hearing Jayden’s voice asking to see me and knowing that he had his hopes shattered on his birthday, this is what broke me.

It had been over 2 years since this woman had made me cry. I needed to let her know exactly how I felt. I didn’t want to break my no contact, but decided sending her a message and then blocking her straight away would just confirm it for me.

So that is exactly what I did, and I sent the following:

The sooner you get it into your head that I NEVER want to see you again, the better. I told you years ago to stop using Jayden as a weapon and you are still trying it. If the only way I can see Jayden is to have to put myself through the torture of seeing your twisted, f**cked up, poisonous self; then I will wait until he’s older and can make his own choices. YOU ARE DEAD TO ME. Don’t mention my name, don’t think about me and don’t ever speak to me again. Act like I don’t exist cause I sure as hell do the same with you.”

I don’t regret sending it and I don’t regret the decision I made to not see Jayden. I’m not happy that this is how things have to be, however if I am going to be the strong sister he is going to one day need, then I need to stay away. I just hope he doesn’t hate me for it…

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