I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how obsessed my mother has been with me over the years. Hacking into my Facebook, logging into my sister’s Facebook to stalk my best friends page, bringing me up in every argument she has with my sister; even after not speaking to her for 2 ½ years, she still has to mention my name in.
There was a time where my mother had blocked me on Facebook, but would unblock me every few weeks so she could look at my profile. I knew she was doing this because she used to do it with my aunt. So when I discovered my mother’s profile during a period where I was unblocked I couldn’t wait to block her to stop this addiction she had.
I know my mother still tries to find a way to get information about me. The amount of times I have had to tell my sister to not indulge with my mother when she asks questions about me is unreal. I think she finally understands now and has learnt to be very dismissive with my mother when I am bought up in conversation.
With all of this, I had a thought late last night. “She will find a way to stalk my social media accounts again” I have her blocked everywhere, but it’s not hard to create a new account and try and have a nose. I mean my bio on my Instagram account is a link to this blog. I wondered if I should remove it, but why should I hide? If she wants to obsess over me still then so be it. I will dedicate this post to you mother…
Or should I say womb donor, as this is all I see you as now.
I tried for so many years to please you, to love you and to get you to love me back. All I have ever wanted was the love of a mother. However YOU didn’t want any of this. I blamed myself for the longest time; maybe if I had been a better daughter things would have been different? Things never would have been different though, as I have discovered you are unlovable! You say I am the one who has hated you for years, and that you have always known, yet what I think really happened here is that you taught me how to hate. I wouldn’t know what hate felt like without you in my life!
You will never see the error of your ways, you think you are perfect and that everyone else is the problem. Yet you are the problem. You are the one that people can’t stand to be around. No matter how many times you tried to tell me that I was ungrateful and selfish, I still had people around me to tell me otherwise. And quite frankly, I couldn’t care less what you think about me now, as your opinion is not one that I value. So, think what you want. At the end of the day we both know the truth.
You are a twisted, malicious, evil, pathetic excuse of a mother. You don’t even deserve the right to be called this. I spent 8 years hating you with every ounce of my body, until 2 years ago when I realised that you are not worth poisoning my body for. You are nothing to me. I loved you and you broke that; way before I was even old enough to realise it. I was lucky enough to find the motherly love I had always desired in other people, you will never know what that feels like.
I did care once. I’m not a monster like you, however you torn me up inside and almost destroyed me and you failed because I came bouncing back, stronger than ever. You thought I would be weak without you, you thought I wouldn’t survive. Oh how wrong you were.
I used to look at other people and wish I had a mother like theirs. Someone to hug me, tell me they loved me, be there to hold me when I felt like my world was crashing down. I grieved for all of what I didn’t have but my grief is over now. You are dead to me. I don’t hate you anymore. I feel nothing.
Stood next to you in the supermarket (I know you think I didn’t see you) I felt nothing. You were just another stranger. I will continue to walk past you in the street as if you don’t exist, your future grandchildren will also walk past you in the street and won’t even know who you are. I will be sure to protect them from you!
All the mind games you tried to play for all these years, by dangling my baby brother in my face, have only made me stronger. You always used him as a weapon, but you have run out of ammo now. As I know when he is older he will come and find me. You cannot break me anymore. No matter what you try to do. I have become immune to you.
Go and cry and bad mouth me to anyone you have left to listen, I do not care. You bought this on yourself, through all the abuse I put up with for all these years. I know you won’t call it abuse, because
you didn’t beat me. Let me rephrase that, you barely beat me.
You think I am a horrible person for treating you this way? After all that you have done for me? We have already established you are no mother of mine. I won’t wish you well, as I am not a liar. I hope you rot in eternal hell.
And just so you know, I’m doing SO good without you…
Sincerely not yours.