Realising I am not alone..

I’ve never really had a great relationship with my mother; and I spent many years questioning if it was something I had done wrong, until recently I came across an article about Narcissistic Mothers and could relate to every single point.

Finally, I could understand why my mother treated me the way she did. She is a Narcissist! I spent hours on end researching and I started to feel comfort in realising, it is not my fault.

If you don’t know what a Narcissistic Mother is, then let me explain.

Below are some of the most common traits:

  • She will criticize you any opportunity she gets; even in the most subtle way. She will never tell you that you are doing well, instead she will tell you how good someone else is doing and ask why you can’t be more like them.
  • There are NO boundaries when living with a Narcissitic mother; she will invade your privacy in ways you could never imagine. My mother hacked into my Facebook once to find stuff she could use against me in her next attack.
  • She has her “favourites”, my mother always preferred the boys. From a very young age I became the scapegoat of the family. You know you are the scapegoat if you are always the one that gets the blame and if your mother bends the truth to make you look like the bad guy to everyone else.
  • If she sees you on a high or knows you are about to go somewhere that you are excited about, she will pick a fight with you. She hates to see you happy.
  • She will never admit the way she treats you. If you confront her and tell her the way her actions have made you feel, she’ll tell you that she doesn’t know what you are talking about.
  • She will make you believe you are crazy. Did that really happen? Did I blow that out of proportion? Trust me when I tell you, you are NOT crazy, her behaviour is not okay!
  • She is a very jealous person. If you get something nice or if someone does something nice for you; she will find a way to spoil it. I remember when I booked my first holiday to The Bahamas with my Best Friend, my mother picked a fight to try and ruin my excitement.
  • Majority of things that come out of her mouth are lies. Lies are more obvious to you, but to other people she will pre-empt her lies so that she can’t be caught out. I remember my mother once told my aunt that she had been rushed into hospital to have her appendix out, just because she didn’t want to look after my younger cousin.
  • She feeds off your pain. If something happens to upset you, she will twist the knife and make the pain 10 times worse. She is an “Emotional Vampire”. She loves to see you cry.
  • She is extremely selfish. She always has to have her way. If things don’t go the way she wants them to then that “Narcissistic Rage” will come out. Her needs are always a priority, yet she will remind you everyday that you are the selfish one.
  • You could NEVER give her constructive criticism. She will get extremely defensive and tell you that you never think she’s good enough.
  • She is more childish than a 6 year old; she will hold a grudge for the longest time and will always be plotting how to get her own back.
  • Her demands are bizarre. If she tells you to do something, you have to do it then and there. The amount of times I had to stop studying because she told me that I needed to do the washing up. Waiting 30minutes until I had mastered the formula I needed for my Maths exam the next day was never an option.
  • She will “parentify” you at the first opportunity she gets. I was a mother of 2 by the age of 9, as I was expected to do everything for my 2 younger siblings. To the point that I would be falling asleep in class due to exhaustion. (When she did send me to school that is; but that is a story for another day).
  • She will never accept when she is in the wrong. Don’t hold out for an apology, as you will never get one. Even when my mother was caught having an affair; that somehow turned into my fault.

My research into Narcissistic Mother’s continues, but what I have learnt so far has bought me great comfort in realising I am not alone.

I am almost 29 years old and up until 2 and a half years ago when I finally cut my mother off for good, I used to always wonder what I had done to make her hate me so much.

I tolerated her all these years for the sake of seeing my siblings, but one day something just clicked inside of me and I decided to remove her from my life completely.

There was only so much emotional abuse and heartache I could put up with.  She was venomous. For my own sanity, there was no way I could continue to let her inflict so much pain on me.

I kept this pain in for a long time before opening up to the people closest to me, and they made me realise how strong I am. So now I feel like I need to raise awareness to all the people out there; who like me thought they are the only ones in this situation. To all the people out there who have said to me “but you only get one mother in life”. To all the people out there who have said “this is just her way, she still loves you”

I’ve learnt that I shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed of my story. Instead I should be proud; for everything I have achieved in life, despite having an evil, manipulative, twisted woman who stood behind me for most of my life trying to break me down.

She has made me who I am today and this is my story…


15 thoughts on “Realising I am not alone..”

  1. I think one of the most amazing things after finding out that there’s a name for mothers like ours, is there are other daughters like ours. I commend you because for many of us, it’s take a lifetime to come to terms with the way we were treated by our mothers, growing up. Worse yet, many never realize that it was never them, but their disordered mothers. I too am committed to raising awareness about emotional abuse with respect to narcissistic mothers.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. You have described with clarity the definition of a narcissistic mother, your mother, my mother and everybody else’s mother who treated their daughters (or sons) like crap. Why did they even have us, why even bother? I didn’t have a chance when I entered the world, she was already angry with me! Thanks for sharing your abuse, and it shows you are a survivor and a warrior. Hugs, Deb

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You make such a great point! I’ve asked myself all my life “why did she even have me?!?”
      The answer: she couldn’t borrow the $250 forbsn abortion or she wouldn’t have. On a good(nice) day she’d say, “I needed someone to clean the house, didn’t I?”

      Thank you for sharing this post .
      I get it. I soooooooo get it.

      It’s a gift (kinda!?) that you’ve figured this out while you’re young. Otherwise we can spend all our lives begging for her love and approval, jumping hoops, and believing that we really are just unlovable and worthless.
      I’m so glad you’ve figured out whose issue it really is!!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you! I had read so many articles when I realised my mother was a narcissist. It was so comforting knowing it was not me! I need to tell my story so I can help others! I’m just proud of how strong I am despite my mother constantly trying to break me down xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You stated that I figured this out while I’m young, actually I didn’t know that the definition of a ‘narcissist’ fit my mother’s abuse until I was 56 years old. I knew she was toxic, however, I just couldn’t figure out why this woman hated me so much or why I intentionally enraged her. Explaining the NPD spells it all out making it clear that all of the cruelness and abuse was my mother’s undertaking and I wasn’t at fault. She was the evil one.
        Thanks for responding. I am also grateful for finding out, however, the impact of the abuse lingers on and I’m still dealing with issues. Hugs to you. Deb xo

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      3. Each day is a healer and of course we will have days that are harder than others. I’m sorry you had to put up with this abuse for so long. I am learning it does get easier though. Especially connecting with so many people that understand. That has been a real help. We all need to stick together to continue to support each other. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I apologize. My comment was confusing in that I was replying both to you and the writer who is 29, with my comment. I should have made it more clear.
        I’m sorry for the confusion..

        I do believe being raised by a narcissist is the “gift that keeps on giving”.. in that the deeply rooted struggles this creates in a child are a battle throughout all our lives. And it’s so hidden and insidious that it’s even difficult to say we were “abused”. Although, it is very much severe abuse.
        Hugs to you too Deb❌⭕️

        Liked by 1 person

  3. My mother, my other mother whose personality “quirks” were heightened by a stroke with more mental than physical changes– changes that only I was “allowed to see” bears many of the same characteristics. As I was growing up, these were more subtle. The biggest was she never believed me. Imaginative children make things up — preferring the other person’s version (or disbelief such a thing would happen). Perhaps my situation was different, too, in that I was an only child. No other siblings to protect.
    I think what always struck me was that I was repeatedly told of mother-daughter bonds; that mothers and daughters shared a special relationship. As you clearly delineate, this is bull when it comes to certain mothers. I suffered the worse of her abuse as an adult — trying to be a care-giver as she slipped into dementia. Perhaps for me, the worse part was that she had a pathological need to be miserable at all costs, refuse to allow me to do anything to make her life more comfortable, etc. and ensured that I felt as miserable as she did.
    I gave her some leeway due to stroke altering — perhaps just heightening — character traits, and the dementia creeping in solidifying these. There is a lot more I could say that backs up your feelings but I’ve gone on as it is. And yes, you are not alone. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical to leave deep scars.
    You don’t have to be your mother — that is what I keep reminding myself — that I don’t have to make myself feel miserable or suffer still from her woundings. She may have tried to break you, but that doesn’t mean she succeeded. That you are open and sharing of this means she didn’t win.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Narcissist’s daughter,
    Thanks so much for bringing this touchy subject to the surface and reinforcing that we are not tainted and we are not alone. I did not really realize the impact of being an unloved daughter until I was 43. I was so angry at first that it took so long. But I have realized we all repeat our mistakes and hardships until the lesson we need is learned. It took ending my marriage with a malignant covert narcissist to realize what narcissism is and how I have been in relationships with ONLY narcissists. I was comfortable with being abused and unloved. I have been single for 4yrs. I have worked hard at loving and caring for myself. And trying to heal the little girl that was never nurtured. Theres many days I am extremely sad…and grieve what could have been. But the good days are increasing. And posts like this reinforce that I am good. And I can be happy, even if on my own. Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I found out the name for my mother’s behaviour a few years ago. It explained a lot. I finally opened up about it on my post yesterday, and it was quite cathartic. Proud of you for speaking up about this terrible ordeal. May you have the best of lives, and heal over time. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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