The month of June has been a really interesting one for me. I feel like it’s testing me in so many ways possible. And everything I’ve fought for to get me to where I am today has been questioned.
I found myself having a moment of madness and actually considering just letting my Narc Mother back into my life in order for me to make certain situations easier. But then like a Rafiki in the Lion King moment, it hit me. And I came to my senses again.
Let me take you back to the beginning of this challenging month….
My sister has been at uni for the past 4 years and next month she will be graduating. Her graduation has been a moment I’ve been worrying about since going no contact with my mother; as I knew it would be the day I had to come face to face with her.
As the time drew closer it was making me feel so anxious, so I asked my sister if my Aunt (my mother’s sister) could come with me. All was fine and my Aunt had agreed she would come to be my support. She doesn’t speak to my mother either so she understands completely how her presence can make someone feel.
Everything changed though; a few weeks ago my sister called me and explained that she didn’t think it would be a good idea for my Aunt to come, as it would annoy our mother. Now I understood why my sister was saying this, my mother would have taken this out on her; and she didn’t want that on her graduation. So to keep the peace and to keep our mother from exploding into a rage, she asked I came alone.
Not going with my Aunt I could understand, but why couldn’t I bring someone else. My sister was adamant that she wanted no one else there. I kind of understand her reasonings behind this and I don’t hold any feelings towards her; she’s my sister, I love her and respect her decisions. However I couldn’t help but feel hurt that my sister would allow me to feel unhappy in order to keep her mother happy.
The thought alone of having to face this woman by myself sent me into a meltdown. I felt emotions I hadn’t felt in well over 3 years. I couldn’t do it to myself again. I’ve come so far in my journey since cutting her off; if this was the way she made me feel jus thinking about having to see her then there was no way I was going to allow her to be near me. That’s too much negative energy for my liking. So I told my sister I would not be attending.
The test of my strength was not over yet though; next came my biggest weakness in life; My baby brother Jayden.
Now the same Aunt I was meant to go to the graduation with had mentioned to me that she had bumped into my mother and she had said she could have Jayden for a sleepover; My Aunt also has a son who is 3 months younger than Jayden but they hadn’t seen each other for about 4 years. I hadn’t thought anything of it at the time as we were out and had been drinking so it wasn’t something that had registered in my mind.
Until last week, when I was sat at home and saw that my cousin had started a live stream on Instagram. I clicked on it and there was my brother. My heart sunk. I’ve not seen him for almost 2 years. He was a different child. I almost didn’t recognise this grown up boy. He’s not that baby I remember. My cousin saw I had joined and told my brother I was there.
I’ve never seen someone look more uncomfortable to say hello; his eyes used to light up when he saw me. It broke my heart- “he hates me” I started to think. I instantly went into the other room where my friend was and just broke down- telling her what had happened. In that second, I thought about how different my life would have been if I had just stuck it out and kept my mother in my life. Sure I would have been miserable but I would have been happy having Jayden around surely.
My friend snapped me out of this breakdown I was having. She reminded me of the progress I have made since cutting my mother off. I have grown so much as a person and I’m unbelievably strong now.
This is why I love my friends. They allow me to have my moment, but they don’t let me sit and dwell on them. They will remind me of all the positives that have come out of the negatives. I’ve realised lately how rare friends like these are to come across. Energies are so contagious; you will never heal around negative people.
Even though I originally thought these things were signs from the universe that I needed to go back; I realised they were all tests. Ones that I have learnt to overcome from all my past lessons and can now pass with flying colours…