Is it just me, or has June been such an emotionally challenging month?

The month of June has been a really interesting one for me. I feel like it’s testing me in so many ways possible. And everything I’ve fought for to get me to where I am today has been questioned.

I found myself having a moment of madness and actually considering just letting my Narc Mother back into my life in order for me to make certain situations easier. But then like a Rafiki in the Lion King moment, it hit me. And I came to my senses again.

Let me take you back to the beginning of this challenging month….

My sister has been at uni for the past 4 years and next month she will be graduating. Her graduation has been a moment I’ve been worrying about since going no contact with my mother; as I knew it would be the day I had to come face to face with her.

As the time drew closer it was making me feel so anxious, so I asked my sister if my Aunt (my mother’s sister) could come with me. All was fine and my Aunt had agreed she would come to be my support. She doesn’t speak to my mother either so she understands completely how her presence can make someone feel.

Everything changed though; a few weeks ago my sister called me and explained that she didn’t think it would be a good idea for my Aunt to come, as it would annoy our mother. Now I understood why my sister was saying this, my mother would have taken this out on her; and she didn’t want that on her graduation. So to keep the peace and to keep our mother from exploding into a rage, she asked I came alone.

Not going with my Aunt I could understand, but why couldn’t I bring someone else. My sister was adamant that she wanted no one else there. I kind of understand her reasonings behind this and I don’t hold any feelings towards her; she’s my sister, I love her and respect her decisions. However I couldn’t help but feel hurt that my sister would allow me to feel unhappy in order to keep her mother happy.

The thought alone of having to face this woman by myself sent me into a meltdown. I felt emotions I hadn’t felt in well over 3 years. I couldn’t do it to myself again. I’ve come so far in my journey since cutting her off; if this was the way she made me feel jus thinking about having to see her then there was no way I was going to allow her to be near me. That’s too much negative energy for my liking. So I told my sister I would not be attending.

The test of my strength was not over yet though; next came my biggest weakness in life; My baby brother Jayden.

Now the same Aunt I was meant to go to the graduation with had mentioned to me that she had bumped into my mother and she had said she could have Jayden for a sleepover; My Aunt also has a son who is 3 months younger than Jayden but they hadn’t seen each other for about 4 years. I hadn’t thought anything of it at the time as we were out and had been drinking so it wasn’t something that had registered in my mind.

Until last week, when I was sat at home and saw that my cousin had started a live stream on Instagram. I clicked on it and there was my brother. My heart sunk. I’ve not seen him for almost 2 years. He was a different child. I almost didn’t recognise this grown up boy. He’s not that baby I remember. My cousin saw I had joined and told my brother I was there.

I’ve never seen someone look more uncomfortable to say hello; his eyes used to light up when he saw me. It broke my heart- “he hates me” I started to think. I instantly went into the other room where my friend was and just broke down- telling her what had happened. In that second, I thought about how different my life would have been if I had just stuck it out and kept my mother in my life. Sure I would have been miserable but I would have been happy having Jayden around surely.

My friend snapped me out of this breakdown I was having. She reminded me of the progress I have made since cutting my mother off. I have grown so much as a person and I’m unbelievably strong now.

This is why I love my friends. They allow me to have my moment, but they don’t let me sit and dwell on them. They will remind me of all the positives that have come out of the negatives. I’ve realised lately how rare friends like these are to come across. Energies are so contagious; you will never heal around negative people.

Even though I originally thought these things were signs from the universe that I needed to go back; I realised they were all tests. Ones that I have learnt to overcome from all my past lessons and can now pass with flying colours…

Chapter 30

Blog

I am very close to turning 30 so I this definitely calls for a new post! I am shocked at how many people have been giving me the sympathetic “awww… 30”; like it is a bad thing!

Now, don’t get me wrong, when I was 25 and I thought about turning 30 I used to dread it. The last two years I actually felt a little depressed about it; until recently when I sat down and really self-reflected on my life. Why wouldn’t I want to enter this whole new decade? Sure, I haven’t quite accomplished what I said I would have back when I was 21; but, I sure have a hell of a lot to be grateful for; even if I did go through a lot of pain in my twenties.

In my twenties my mother became even crazier; if you’ve read my post It can only get better, right? you will know what I’m talking about. That said my twenties also taught me a lot! Especially in the last few years that I have been no contact with my mother. I really had time to reflect and become a more positive person.

But, when someone gave me the “sorry you’re nearly 30″ look the other day, I decided it was time for this post.

I see turning 30 as a fresh start; a whole new canvas ready for me to fill with memories. I won’t rule out my twenties as being completely bad; I mean a lot of great things happened and I met so many wonderful people; one of those being my best friend, she has played such a big part in the healing I went through to become the strong woman I am today. Through every night that I cried myself to sleep- she was there. Through every time I broke down over missing my brother- she was there. When my mother kicked me out- she was there. When my nan died- she was there! She’s been there through it all. She’s gone out of her way to make sure that I’ve spent every single one of my birthdays on the most amazing holidays; I’ve stayed in the most wonderful hotels, seen the most breathtaking places and travelled in the most luxurious ways imaginable. I am so grateful that I met her, she helped me to open my eyes and see the world at it’s best and not to sit around having a pity party.

I don’t care how sick people may get hearing how much I love my best friend; that girl saved me, so I will never stop telling people.

Anyway, back to me turning 30. I feel like a lot of people judge you when you hit this milestone. It’s like you are graded on how successful your life is based on what you have; mortgage, marriage, and kids. So, I don’t have any of these yet, it’s not a big deal. When I am ready for them I will have them. I needed to go through a path of self-recovery, before focussing on these things; otherwise, they wouldn’t have come with good intentions. 10 years ago, I would never have looked in the mirror and said “I love YOU” but now I can, and if that is any way to start your thirties then I am happy.

Sure I could have had a mortgage by now if I really put my mind to it, but I wouldn’t have half as much life experience as I do. And if I died tomorrow, there are a million stories that can be shared about my experiences.

My twenties also taught me a lot about the world of work. I changed direction a few times but I managed to find the path right for me. Despite all the knockbacks, I didn’t let them stop me. I taught myself everything I could about the industry I wanted to work in and now I am working in marketing for a well known children’s tv brand. Not only am I working in an industry that 5 years ago I had no experience in; but I am also using everything I have learnt to build my own business.

I have so much to look forward to in my thirties; I will be starting them on another beautiful island, I will be starting them as a business owner but best of all, I will be starting them knowing this is one decade that my mother can’t ruin!

Thirties… I have never been more ready for you!

Happy Birthday My Little Darling

Today my baby brother is turning 10 and again I’m not celebrating with him. Not seeing him has definitely been the hardest part of going no contract with my mother.

10 years of life. It’s seems like only yesterday when he was born. I wonder what he’s like now. Is he still that funny, cheeky trickster he used to be?

What does he like? Who are his friends. What traits does he have?

Although my sister tells me stuff about him from time to time. I try not ask too much because it just upsets me. It’s like I don’t even know who he is anymore. I hope he doesn’t feel the same way about me and forget me!

Someone that was such a big part of my life, just ripped away. Used as a carrot to dangle in my face. Only able to see them if I put myself through the torture of spending time with that witch.

I can’t believe my baby is 10. So grown up, but as sad as it makes me; it just means he’s one year older to being able to make his own decisions.

This is the only thing that keeps me fighting strong. I just hope when the time comes he hasn’t been moulded into my mother.

Happy 10th Birthday baby boy. You are never not in my thoughts ❤️

Bitch, don’t kill my vibe

The law of attraction is a wonderful thing once you get your head around it. Being brought up in such a negative environment, living with my Narcissist mother; it was always quite hard to see the positive in any situation. However the longer I went without interaction with my mother, the easier it became for me to remain a positive person. Don’t get me wrong; we all have our bad days where we feel like the world is going to end. How you deal with those bad days is what’s most important though; and is something I feel has truly guided me in life.

The last few months had been a really weird time for me, I felt like I was falling back into a mind-set I used to adapt when my mother was in my life. I needed to re-align my positivity; so, I took a step back just to allow some “me time” to help me find solidarity again. During my cocooning, as I like to call it; I started to really evaluate everything around me. From my working situation, to my life goals, I even evaluated the people in my life. I often find my environment massively affects my way of thinking; so, this was definitely an assessment I needed to do on my life.

I started with my job. My current situation had become an extremely toxic environment. It was consuming all my energy, I was literally drained as soon as I woke up in the mornings. I searched and searched for a new job. I downloaded the audiobook of The Secret; which I highly recommend if you are unsure how to adapt your way of thinking, I listened to this on repeat everyday whilst at my desk. I blocked out all the negativity- If I had to be included in it, I would try and turn it around and rather than get myself to believe it would get better; I told myself every day that it didn’t matter how bad it was, because I wasn’t going to be there for long.

It wasn’t working though; I was still blocking the positivity from coming through. So this is when I started looking at the people around me. I pretty much went AWOL from everyone. I needed to focus on me and only me. I am a sucker for making someone else’s problems my problems. Now it was time to say “Sorry you are going through that, I hope YOU figure it out”. It may sound selfish and I most definitely annoyed a lot of people in this time. However, if these people were to bring the positive energy I required to my life, they would understand and give me my space. If they didn’t- then I began to ask myself what value they were actually bringing to my life and if it was wise to keep them around.

Saying this makes me sound like a terrible person, but honestly, I’m months away from turning 30, I’ve spent my whole life putting other people’s feelings first, It was time to stop. So as harsh as it may sound, “If you ain’t feeding my soul, then you gotta go”

So, all negativity aside I was finally able to focus solely on my first mission; to find a new job. I started listening to sleep meditations on YouTube while I slept. Within a week, I had found the perfect role, interviewed for it AND got offered the job! Some might say its coincidence, but I honestly believe it was the law of attraction. I mean I even wrote my resignation letter before I had found out I had the job. I believed it would happen and it did.

Being no contact with my mother for 3 years now, I knew the pros of cutting certain people off. It also meant I could cut anyone out. If I can do it with the person that gave me life, what makes people think I won’t do it with them? If anyone came to me on a downer, it was bye bye. Now, I’m not heartless, people do have bad days! We all do. However, sometimes people like to hold on to those bad days. Some people feed off the drama and don’t really want to let go of it. These are the people that had to go. I have no time for people that want to dwell in the past and not learn and grow from it. So, these people just got blocked. Like a real life detox; I felt like a new woman!

It’s so important to take some time out to just do you; I think it’s easier for me to say cause I’m a massive introvert, so I love my alone time. Yet, in a world as busy and crazy as the one we live in; you need to look after you! Turn your phone off, meditate, recharge your batteries. Whatever works for you.

2017 was a very… interesting year. I don’t want to dwell on it though. I want to take every hurdle that tried to break me and learn from them. After talking with a fellow blogger The Life of Joy today about the lessons we have learnt this year, I realised how important it is to grow from the downfalls in life. If you don’t you will get consumed in a ball of negativity and it will start to affect every aspect of your life. Hey, for some, you may not mind it or believe it. Me, I just want to get the best I can out of life. I wasted more than half of my lifetime letting my suffering consume me. Not anymore. I want to surround myself with people who have similar mind sets. 2018, I am ready for you. I KNOW this is going to be the best year yet….

Happy No Contact Anniversary To Me!!

Today marks the day where I finally cut ties with my Narcissistic Mother for good! 3 blissful years without that witch in my life! Honestly; I wish I had made the decision sooner.

Going back to the day itself, if you have read my blog post Uneducated…Me? you will know that this was well overdue.

My sister Kara had told me that my mother had told her that she didn’t want me to spend Christmas with them that year. She had told her that she couldn’t forgive me for what I had done and that as I was 26 years old, I needed to move on with my own life; I wasn’t aware that being 26 meant that I was no longer allowed to have a relationship with my family; but then this is my mother saying this, so I wasn’t surprised.

Kara told my mother she wasn’t getting involved; I had told Kara that if my mother doesn’t want me there on Christmas day then she needed to tell me herself. We decided I would play dumb and pretend Kara hadn’t told me. That said, my mother messages me saying “I can’t move on from all that shit ok”. I replied to her asking her to call me as she couldn’t just send me a message like that without an explanation. She kept avoiding the call and telling me she was busy and that I should speak with Kara. This had nothing to do with Kara and I wasn’t going to give my mother the easy way out; I was ready for this, I knew what was coming and I needed to get it all out.

After going back and forth with her telling me she couldn’t forgive me, I finally convinced her to call me. Now at this moment in time I was writing a book, solely focused on my relationship with my mother; therefore I needed to record this phone call as I knew it was going to play a big part in the ending of my book.

This phone call was about to be the best moment of my life. I was finally about to go no contact…

*Phone Rings*

Me: Hello…

Mother: So, yeah that message, that’s just how I feel

Me: Right, well I still don’t understand what it is you can’t forgive?

Mother: Do I really need to remind you? Telling Nanny about the affair, messaging his wife.

Now, my step-father had begged me for days to message his friends wife when he found out my mother had been having an affair with him. In the end I gave in and told him if he thought it would help then I would do it; despite me thinking it was a bad idea

Me: Let’s just get two things straight. I rung my Nan to see if she was okay, she then starts having ago at me because you had told her a load of lies. So, naturally I am going to tell her the truth, to clear my name. I had NO intention of even telling her, as she didn’t need to know. Secondly, I only messaged the wife because Mike kept begging me to. In the end I got sick of him breaking down to me every day, so I agreed.

Mother: Well, Mike said he didn’t even know you had spoken to her.

Me: How do you think I got her number?

Mother: Kara gave it to you

Me: I swear on my life that Kara had nothing to do with it

Mother: Well someone’s lying

Me: What reason do I have to lie, ask Mike now.

My mother goes into the other room and tells my step-father that I had just told her he had given me the number to message his friend’s wife. He denied it and said he couldn’t remember. I couldn’t believe he was willing to let my 18 year old sister; his own daughter, take the blame for this. He told my mother I was lying and at that moment I knew I would never speak to that poor excuse of a man ever again.

Me: So, the two things you couldn’t forgive me for have been addressed. What else?

Mother: Don’t worry, Mike is getting kicked out tonight

Me: I don’t really care what happens between you two, that has nothing to do with me

Mother: Oh yeah, that’s you. Only care about yourself

Me: Well, I am the only person I can rely on. So, of course I am going to put myself first

Mother: Your attitude stinks, even Kara has less respect for me when you are here

Me: That’s something you need to take up with Kara if you think that. Again, that has nothing to do with me

Mother: It’s true, even Kevin has said so

Me: Kevin never said that

Mother: Oh, is that your plan? Get inside your brother’s head like you did with Kara

Me: I didn’t get into anyone’s head- Kara has her own mind and opinions

Mother: Well this thing you have with Kara is going to stop

Me: What a relationship with my sister?

Mother: You are not welcome in my house anymore. You only come here to see Jayden. It’s quite clear you don’t like me

Me: Obviously I only come to see Jayden; he is 6 years old. I want to have a relationship with my brother

Mother: Well, you can see him once a month, you’ve had your visit with him this month so you can see him just before Christmas

This was absolutely fine by me; I only put up with my mother for the sake of seeing Jayden, so this set up couldn’t be better for me

Mother: When Nanny died, you used that as your way to worm back in and I never wanted that

Me: I didn’t try and worm my way back in. I just wanted to see my brother

After my Nan died; Jayden was broken. With his parents arguing all the time because of the affair, me not being around and then my Nan dying, it was all too much for him. He used to be the happiest little boy, but when I looked at him after all of this, you could literally see the pain. It killed me to see him like that. He was having panic attacks and my Mother was blaming it on my Nan’s death; so this is why I put up with her and tried to be around for him as much as I could.

Mother: You know, I’ve done so much for you and this is how you treat me

Me: This is another thing I’m trying to get my head around. You keep going on about all that you have done for me. What is it exactly that you have done for me?

Mother: I CLOTHED YOU!! I FEED YOU!!!

I had remained calm the whole conversation, but now I was ready to explode. I couldn’t keep it all in anymore. I had been gathering my evidence for months and I was ready to be rid of this woman for good.

Me: BUT YOU DIDN’T SEND ME TO SCHOOL THOUGH DID YOU?!?

Mother: Why didn’t you go to school? Because you were always ill

Me: So, I wasn’t on the child protection register for neglect no?

Mother: You were never on a register

Me: Stop lying, I have a whole file of evidence sitting in my room from Social Services. It’s all there in black and white

Mother: Whatever, you need help. You have mental health problems making something like that up

Me: You are the one that needs help. You need to go and get your head checked 

Mother: You really do have 100% of the crazy gene. You need help *laughing*

Me: So, you wasn’t taken to court and fined? I wasn’t almost taken into care? Lie all you want mother because at the end of the day, we both know the truth and I have a clear conscience

Mother: Yeah, so do I. You’re crazy

Me: You know what? You’re the only person in the world that thinks these things about me, and I don’t value your opinion. So, I don’t care what you think

Mother: Well, I know the real you!

Me: You know nothing about me. You seriously need help, this is not going to get any better. Mother you are not well in the head. Get out more, get some friends, it’s not healthy to live like this

My mother then starts screaming at me. She was hysterical. Telling me she has loads of friends. She starts reeling off a list of names of people that do not talk to her anymore. I ask her to tell me someone who is still her friend. She couldn’t so she just starts attacking me again.

Mother: Who do you think you’re talking to? You are never to step foot over my door step again do you hear? And don’t think you are ever seeing Jayden again. I wish I never had you, I should have got rid of you when I had the chance

Me: If it meant having you as my mother, than I wish you had too! You carry on using Jayden as your weapon. When he’s older he will hate you just as much as I do. You will drive him away too. Then who will you control?

Mother: I don’t control anyone

Me: You are controlling Jayden right now

Mother: Well, take me to court! Cause you’re not seeing him

My mother always knew how to push my buttons. I had remained so calm, but I never wanted to speak to this witch again. I needed her to know.

Me: You low life piece of scum. You are going to mess that little boy up so much

Mother: Yeah, cause I’m going to neglect him, I forgot, like I neglected you

Me: You really are a crazy bitch

Mother: How dare you call me a crazy bitch!! You better watch yourself, because things are going to start happening to you

*Phone cuts off*

I sat there for a minute digesting what had just happened. Just like that, a weight had been lifted. I felt free. For the first time in my life I didn’t feel empty or sad. I felt happiness, I felt relieved.

That’s when I knew, this time, this would be it.

Here is to the 3 years of growth I have allowed myself to experience. Now I can finally be me….

 

 

 

Next of Kin…

Until yesterday my next of kin wasn’t something I had really thought about…

I’ve been unwell for a few weeks now but when I woke up yesterday morning I knew I needed to stop being so stubborn so I called 111 just to see what they suggested. As I spoke the advisor through my symptoms she said she was sending an ambulance right away. At that moment I just wanted my mum; well not MY mum but a mum. 

With a combination of pain and fear I just burst into tears. Luckily my best friend was with me and her comforting made me feel better. I braved up and told myself I could do this. I messaged my Aunt who was off work and she said she would meet me at the hospital. 

When the paramedic arrived he done a few tests and asked a few more questions. When he asked me for my next of kin I hesitated. I’ve never really thought about this before. Who would I put down? I quickly just gave my cousins details as she drives and would always be able to get to me quickly. 

This question played on my mind the whole way to the hospital. I’ve been fine living my life without my mother; but all of this time she has probably been down as my next of kin. Could you imagine her getting the call to make decisions about my life, if god forbid anything was to happen!?

I arrived at the hospital before my Aunt; I looked around and saw a young girl waiting with her mother and an older woman waiting with her son. That ache of needing someone with me started to come back. I was so scared. Not knowing what was wrong with me or if I was about to be taken into surgery. I was clueless. 

I started to think about the one other time in my life where I had been admitted to hospital. I had been getting shooting pain type headaches so the doctor adviced I go straight to the hospital for a blood test. When I got there I blacked out and woke up in a hospital bed. My boss at the time had taken me to the hospital so I asked her if she could contact my mother and let her know; as this was when we were still talking. 

Within 5 minutes of my boss making that call, my phone started to ring. I answered the phone to what I expected to be a concerned mother; but instead I got abuse hurled at me. “Why didn’t you tell me you were in hospital!? Instead I have to hear it from someone else!” I was confused. Did she think this was a preplanned appointment or something? How could I have possibly known when I woke up that morning that I would be wired up in a hospital bed. 

I told her I needed to go as she was proving to be more stress than I needed. However I continued to receive messages from her the entire time; asking for updates, telling me she didn’t need this stress and that she had enough going on. I don’t know why I even bothered telling her I was in hospital. It was a waste of time. I don’t know why I actually thought she would have been in the first taxi to the hospital to be there with her daughter… no not my mother. 

What I realised after both of these hospital incidents however, hasn’t been how unlucky I am to not have a mother to be there and hold my hand or to worry about not having an obvious next of kin. But to just count my blessings at how lucky I am to have such an amazing support network around me. I can’t be thankful enough for all the well wishes and good gestures I’ve received. 

I may not have my mother, but my circle continues to be as tight as it can be. 

Just a Mother to Love Me

The last few weeks have been really tough. I have had a real empty feeling and I have been unsure why. I never miss my mother; and I still don’t miss her personally, but I miss something. I’m not sure if it has anything to do with the mother figure I did have moving away, but it is a feeling I have been struggling to shake.

I feel like I have so much love inside me  as a result of not being able to express this towards anyone as a child. And I just want to be able to love a mother, but because I can’t, I focus that love on other people and sometimes that isn’t always received very well and it sends me back to that empty feeling.

September is always a bit of a strange month for me anyway; I think the build up to the festive season plays a big part in this. The thought of Christmas makes me feel physically sick. Everyone planning their family Christmas’. The question “what are you doing for Christmas this year?” is literally my worst nightmare.

I HATE Christmas! No matter how wonderful a Christmas day can be, it no longer involves my siblings; so being included in someone else’s day will never feel like my Christmas. My first Christmas away from my siblings felt so awful that I booked a trip alone to Dubai for the following Christmas, just to get away from it. This year marks my fourth Christmas without my siblings and I am already dreading it.

Everywhere I look lately there are people expressing their love for their mothers; I don’t feel bitter towards them, I am glad they have mothers they can love unconditionally; it is just starting to feel a bit suffocating. Daily I am seeing posts on social media about how much we should love our mothers as we only get one.

These posts infuriate me. Why should I love my mother just because she gave me life? Does giving someone life allow them to put you through years of emotional abuse? Just because she wasn’t beating me every day doesn’t mean what she was doing wasn’t damaging.

Imagine having to go through years of being told your aren’t good enough! Years of being purposely isolated! Not being allowed an opinion because nothing you said was ever correct! Years of coming home and being completely ignored; beating yourself up inside wondering what you could have done to upset her! Years of any confidence you had being picked at; breaking you down bit by bit… I should love that?

Yet still I feel that empty feeling, and I hate myself for allowing myself to have any emotion related to my mother; even though I know it’s natural.  I just wish that for one day, I could be normal and have a mother that loves me. Just for one day to have a mothers shoulder to cry on and tell me everything is going to be okay. Just for one day to have someone to take care of me for once. I don’t miss MY mother, I miss the idea of a mother and I wish just for one day, I had one…

A Day Not Worth Celebrating

22nd July… A day that has never really been a day I wish to celebrate. And this year it marks my mother’s 50th Birthday.

Birthdays have always been difficult. A whole day where my mother expected to be treated like a queen; when she didn’t deserve to even be spat on if she was on fire. Choosing birthday cards had always been the most problematic task ever. Card shops really don’t cater to “I hate your guts and wish you were never born”; I just couldn’t bring myself to give my mother a false sense of appreciation by giving her a card that says I couldn’t have asked for a better mother. 

From a young age; I mean before I started working, I was expected to provide my mother with a birthday present. I was never given pocket money, so I don’t know how she expected this, but she did. I would have to save my school dinner money so I could get her a gift. She would always tell me what she wanted, yet would be extremely ungrateful and disappointed when receiving what she had asked for. I couldn’t win. 

Half of the time she wouldn’t even use the gift and it would sit there collecting dust for years. There were even times she expressed so much dissatisfaction she actually said, “I didn’t want this, you shouldn’t have bothered”. I offered her one last chance to appreciate my efforts, and asked her if she wanted to go to the spa for the day; when she responded with “I couldn’t think of anything worse than spending a day alone with you”, I knew my gift giving days were over and I was happy to accept the selfish daughter award; it’s not like it was something I wasn’t accustomed to. 

When I think that my mother is now turning 50; I feel content inside. To look at how much I have achieved already in life, it really is quite satisfying. I used to have terrible anxiety that I was going to end up like my mother; however now I see that we are so far from the same, I never have to worry again; and I know when I reach 50 I will still be surrounded by friends and family that love me. 

Yet, obviously without my mother I wouldn’t be here today. So, in “honour” of her 50th birthday this is my message to her:

I can’t say happy, as I am not positive the day you were born was a happy day. However, I am thankful to you…

Thank you for trying to break me so that I learnt how to become unbreakable.

Thank you for allowing me to realise the type of person I never want to become.

Thank you for teaching me self-worth .

Thank you for allowing me to appreciate even the small gestures.

Thank you for pushing me away so I could surround myself with loving people.

Thank you for challenging every decision I ever made so that I learnt how to handle difficult situations.

And thank you mostly, for making me a better person, you have taught me determination, dedication and appreciation. 

Some days really aren’t worth celebrating and although today is one of those days, I will celebrate; because I am me because of everything you put me through and I’m one heck of a strong woman. All thanks to you…

The Sacrifice of No Contact

Going no contact with my mother was by far the best decision I have ever made in life. Even though it wasn’t really my decision as my mother disowned me (her words not mine) it was my decision to stay no contact when she tried to worm her way back in my life.

One of the factors that made no contact hard for me, was my brother; Jayden. When I first tried to cut ties with my mother, Jayden was only 5 years old. There is 20 years between Jayden and I so we have a bond that isn’t like the bond I have with my other siblings. Loving a sibling feels different when you are old enough to be their parent.

Even on his first night home after being born, my mother went to bed to rest and I kept Jayden in the room with me so I could give him his night feeds. His first night in the real world and it was me comforting him to sleep. How could we not have such a tight bond?

We would go to baby play groups together, I’d take him to nursery and pick him up. Our neighbours even thought he was mine as we were always together.

My mother knew how much I loved Jayden, and she used this to her advantage. Jayden was her weapon, he was my weak spot. She knew the only way to get to me was to take Jayden out of the picture and she did; so many times.

My first real attempt at no contact came as a result of the affair, it torn me to pieces not being able to see Jayden. I cried myself to sleep most nights, I had never felt pain like this, I didn’t know how to deal with it. I was at rock bottom. I cried at work, on the bus, in the supermarket, in the shower. There were reminders of Jayden everywhere I looked; everything triggered a breakdown.

My biggest fear was that Jayden would think I left him because I didn’t love him. I begged my sister to tell him the truth. However he knew. He would secretly ask my sister if he could message me on her phone. He would send me heart emojis and voicenotes. My mother soon found out; you can’t expect a 5 year old to not say anything. She went ballistic and my sister got into a lot of trouble for it. I was devastated that I couldn’t even get an emoji from him anymore; but my sister sent me a video of Jayden saying “Mummy doesn’t like Ky Ky” so I knew that he understood that it wasn’t me that left him.

I was losing my mind. I went to see a solicitor to see if I had any rights to have access to Jayden. She pretty much said it would cost me thousands to take to court and fight a battle I wouldn’t win. I had no chance.

On Jayden’s 6th birthday I was so worried that he would think I didn’t care about him, so I decided to just turn up at the house. What’s the worse that can happen? I knocked on the door. My mother answered and she did not look impressed, Jayden came running around the corner, as soon as he saw me his face lit up and he shouted “KY KY”.

I just came to drop off Jayden’s present” I state. My mother looked at Jayden, who was now grinning from ear to ear and she reluctantly says “come in“. Jayden and I were both ecstatic. He was so excited; showing me everything he got for his birthday. He asked me if I would play Monopoly with him. I was letting him win; he’s always hated losing. Yet this time Jayden didn’t seem to want to win. He kept giving me his money when I was close to losing, when I asked him why he said “If it’s not game over then you won’t have to go home” I wanted to cry, it’s his 6th birthday he shouldn’t be worrying about these things.

When it was time for me to leave, Jayden was really upset, I gave him a big hug and told him if it is a while until we see each other again to remember how much I loved him. Although I was happy that I was able to spend his birthday with him, I still couldn’t help but to feel heavy hearted, because I didn’t know if there would be a time I could see him again. So I walked home in tears, hoping this would not be the end.

Another 4 weeks went by and I didn’t see Jayden, until my Grandmother died. Then everything was brushed under the carpet, never to be discussed again and carry on as “normal”. If you have read my blog Uneducated…Me? you will already know how I got through this time. I was putting on a front for the sake of seeing Jayden.

We carried on this pretence for 7 months, before my mother flipped again. She messaged me saying “I can’t do this anymore”. We got into a massive argument; which is a whole other blog post in itself. This was when I decided to go no contact for good. 21st November 2014.

It was a hard decision to make as I knew it meant giving up Jayden. However for my own sanity I had to. Surprisingly, I still saw Jayden a few times. My sister was allowed to bring him over to my house on a few occasions. However there were times where my mother would cancel arrangements. Everything was always done through my sister as I didn’t want to speak with my mother at all. I started to get a lot of “Jayden’s been rude so can’t see you today” excuses. So this is when I knew it was time to distance myself from these visits with Jayden too. It wasn’t fair on either of us. When we were together we would have the best time ever. He loved our adventures. It wasn’t fair for him to keep having me ripped out of his life. I would rather not be around to allow him to have this pain. I just hoped he would understand when he was older.

I miss him everyday, wondering what he’s doing, what he’s like now; but I still feel like this is the best decision in the long run. Giving him up was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. The pain I have will never go away from missing out on all these years with my brother, but it does get slightly easier knowing he’s one more year closer to making his own mind up.

Of course, my mother being my mother, wasn’t going to just accept this. Recently on Jayden’s 9th Birthday I got a call from my sister. I answered it and she said Jayden wanted to talk to me. My heart sunk. He came on the phone and I instantly got a lump in my throat. “Can I see you today?” he asked. I was so confused, I knew he wouldn’t ask that without it being agreed with my mother; he knew better than to ask to see me. “Of course” I said excited. He continued to say “Great, we’re going to get pancakes in about an hour, so what time should we meet you?” I started to feel uneasy about this so I asked “who’s coming?” As soon as I heard him say “mummy” I told him I would arrange it with our sister.

When my sister came back on the phone I was livid. “You can’t just put me in a situation like that” She cut me off and quickly said “Ok, cool I’ll speak to you in a bit” then hung up. I stopped what I was doing and sat there in disbelief. This woman still knew just how to get me and it worked. My sister messaged me to say sorry, she said that my mother had told her to ring me right away and not to warn me beforehand, she had then stood there the whole phone conversation.

I told my sister there was no way I would sit in the same room as this woman, but was happy to meet my brother and her after so I didn’t have to see my mother. We both knew this wasn’t going to go down well but it was worth a shot. We were right though. My mother went into a rage, saying that if I couldn’t sit down with her then I couldn’t see my brother. She then turned to Jayden and said “see, it’s not me stopping her from seeing you. She doesn’t want to, not even on your birthday” 

I was so annoyed that she tried to get to me again; ok, she had got to me. Not her personally, but hearing Jayden’s voice asking to see me and knowing that he had his hopes shattered on his birthday, this is what broke me.

It had been over 2 years since this woman had made me cry. I needed to let her know exactly how I felt. I didn’t want to break my no contact, but decided sending her a message and then blocking her straight away would just confirm it for me.

So that is exactly what I did, and I sent the following:

The sooner you get it into your head that I NEVER want to see you again, the better. I told you years ago to stop using Jayden as a weapon and you are still trying it. If the only way I can see Jayden is to have to put myself through the torture of seeing your twisted, f**cked up, poisonous self; then I will wait until he’s older and can make his own choices. YOU ARE DEAD TO ME. Don’t mention my name, don’t think about me and don’t ever speak to me again. Act like I don’t exist cause I sure as hell do the same with you.”

I don’t regret sending it and I don’t regret the decision I made to not see Jayden. I’m not happy that this is how things have to be, however if I am going to be the strong sister he is going to one day need, then I need to stay away. I just hope he doesn’t hate me for it…

Don’t Under Estimate Self-Healing


I posted this image on my social page, and someone commented saying “This is going to take therapy”. Although in some cases this may be true, I strongly believe that you can self-heal without stepping inside a therapist’s office. I mean I did.
I want more people to understand what they can do to help with their healing process, whilst this may not work for everyone, it can definitely help. Therapists aren’t always an option for people. So, believe in yourself and you will be amazed at just how strong you can be.

One of the best “therapies” I had was a good support network. I am truly blessed with the people I have around me; they have listened to me cry about the same situation time and time again, never judging, just allowing me time to work through it. Being able to just express my pain, helped in a way I would have never imagined.

Of course, not everyone will always understand your situation, but since creating this blog I have discovered a massive community of people that have sadly lived similar experiences to me. So, if you ever feel like your support network don’t understand or if you can’t talk to them about your Narcissistic Abuse then join one of the many support networks on Facebook or follow similar accounts on Instagram. The support you get will shock you. I don’t think I would believe so much in self-healing without meeting some of these people.

Another huge evolution of my healing process was going no contact with my mother. I have been no contact with my mother for 2 years and 7 months now. Removing her from my life was one of the best decisions I ever made for my well-being. I never would have made it this far otherwise. If you have gone no contact with your Narc then pat yourself on the back! You should be proud of yourself. It is such a hard accomplishment to reach.

If you have tried to go no contact and have found yourself drawn back; don’t worry, I have done this myself so many times before I realised enough was enough. I’m sure many others have too. It doesn’t mean you aren’t strong at all. People’s processes just take longer. It took me 8 years of trying to go no contact to finally break free, I am sure some have succeeded quicker and some took longer.

Going no contact isn’t always an option though, everyone has different circumstances, so if you haven’t gone no contact don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes knowing how to manage a Narc will be what works for you. This is just what has driven me so please don’t feel like you must go no contact if you know deep down this isn’t what is right for you. Trust me you will know when you need to.

During my recovery, I realised that a lot of the decisions I made in life were based on me thinking “how would my mother react to this?” I was constantly trying to avoid doing things that I knew would send my mother into a Narcissistic Rage. I am still working through this part of my recovery; however, I am finally starting to make decisions for me, and not on how others will react. This is helping massively in finding my true self and I am achieving things I had never dreamed of.

Do something you love. I have been blessed to have travelled to some of the most beautiful places in the world. Being able to travel so much really helped my soul. I am most happy when I am basking in the sun taking in the most breath-taking views and exploring different cultures.

When I can’t be laying on a beach, I try to spend as much time as possible with the children in my life. I have none of my own yet, but I am lucky to have a lot of younger cousins and an amazing Godson. There is something about their pure innocence that takes you away from all the heartache. You can’t not be happy around a child; unless you are a Narc! So, this time with them has really healed the cracks in my soul.

Of course, I still have days where I am tempted to go back, for the sake of seeing my younger brother. We all have days where we are weaker than others; it’s natural. Then I remember the severe heartache I was put through and I recall why I went no contact and how strong I have become in doing so.

I knew I would come out of the other side a happier person, this is what helped me not to break. The narcissist you are escaping wants you to fail, so use that to enable everything in your power to succeed and prove them wrong.

I can admit that I used to be a very negative person. I was moulded by my mother into seeing the bad in every situation. I decided I need to turn all of that around to avoid becoming like her. I try to see the positive in every situation now.  Sure, we are all human and will not always think in this way. However I strongly live by the law of attraction now, I honestly trust that what I think, I will attract. This way of thinking has literally changed my life.

Like I said, self-healing is not for everyone, but don’t knock it. You will be surprised how far you can come if you trust yourself. I never did but I wish I had sooner…